just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
