why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
someone owes me an orgasm
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
