just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize