The best revenge is premature balding
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
