A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
