You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
is wine microwaveable?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
