At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
