Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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