i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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