Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
