So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
