My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
