I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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