So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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