Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
