Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
