I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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