Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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