You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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