so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
