After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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