it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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