Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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