i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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