I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just saw a hot homeless man
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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