Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
