at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
