Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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