Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize