allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I don't deserve a penis
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
