I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
