Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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