I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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