oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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