I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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