Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
