remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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