if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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