Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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