Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I lost the right to judge tonight
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
