There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
