Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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