I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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