Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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