Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
