Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
