$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
