dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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