i was born a porn star she said
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
