are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
