sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
