So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
