Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
