The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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