ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
