I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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