it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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