you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
