Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
