I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
