he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
it was like eating out sand paper
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
