i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
